Well ladies and gents,

My dietitian has made out a new meal plan for me to get my calories up so i can sustain the amount of exercise i want to do.

movin up from 1200 to 1600

It’s not going to be easy, but i’m up for the challenge.

I will recover and I will be strong.

• I care less about what other people think of me
• I’m starting to appriciate my body a little more
• I can almost eat without having any negative thoughts about myself or calories
• I’m starting to feel again
• My stomach doesn’t hurt as much when i eat
• I can stand in front of a mirror and think more positive things
• I’m starting to hate myself less

      …and maybe someday, I’ll finally feel beautiful <3

So I ate around 1450 calories today which is kind of freaking me out. To feel a little better i exceeded my 20 minute workout restriction and did 40 minutes and now my body feels really weak and my stomach is bloated :(

Has this ever happened to anyone else during recovery?

I know she means well, but i wish my mom would stay out of this and just let me deal with it. This goes for my other friends and family as well. I know I have an eating disorder, i’m trying to recover, but when they try to force food down my throat it doesn’t get me anywhere.

I am pressured to eat 24/7 by people. It doesn’t make me want to, in fact it just makes me want to control more and just not eat at all. I do better on my own with this. My family pressures me to eat and i end up getting stomach aches so bad that by the next day i can barely even hold anything down. This isn’t getting me anywhere, its like going backwards.

I wish they would just worry about themselves and stop trying to push me.

Being today is a holiday, we had a family get together with lots of food (that I didn’t want). Being present, i was expected to eat. When i didn’t want to, i was interrogated and yelled at. I was forced to eat more than im usually comfortable with. As it is, my stomach kills whenever I eat, but right now i can’t even describe the pain. I’m doing all that i can to just keep it down. =(

I’m going on week 7 of recovery, and it is still just as hard as it was the first week, if not worse.

I see so many girls who post stories about how they recovered and how much progress they are making, its not fair, why can’t i be one of those girls. Instead, i’m fighting myself with tears streaming down my face. I’ve already wanted to just relapse and go back to feeling numb to everything. I know that its not a good idea, its just hard to convince myself of that sometimes.

This weight gain will be the death of me i swear. I know it’s only water weight and that it is supposed to be temporary, but i just want it gone. It is just depressing, and part of me thinks it makes me hate myself even more. :(

This is week 5 of ED recovery for me and it’s still as hard as it was when i first started. I’m still counting calories, and I’m still afraid to eat certain foods containing a lot of calories. I’ve worked with my dietitian and I’ve managed to try and keep my intake around 1200 calories/day. I do mess up a few times per week, but I’m getting there, i think.

I just hate that I have to eat more and exercise less, it’s really messing with me.